Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The tie which links mother and child is of such pure and immaculate strength as to never be violated.
~Washington Irving
Summer 2008
Eddi would try and come see me each weekend if he had the money. With the gas prices so high and his long work days it was not uncommon for me to go two weeks without seeing him. But we kept up our relationship through daily e-mails, as I had nothing better to do at work at 2am on a Wednesday, and morning wake up phone calls.
Fighting seemed to be inevitable whenever we were together though. When we would have a day or two together it was always talking about the baby and what we should do. Eddi was just two years from graduating and I was working a nothing job and had no secondary eduacation at all. We never saw eye to eye on what to do with the little bundle that was slowly growing inside me.
One of our heated talks ended up with us considering abortion. Eddi didn't want to tell his family as he thought they would be highly ashamed of him and think that I was just lying to him about everything to get his money. When the reality of it is, he has no money as hes a student living off rice and only works 4 months of the year. This was just something that happened to us and we had no control over it now that it was done.
After a few weeks of thinking about abortion I finally broke down and told Eddi I wasn't doing it. The thought of having something ripped out of me with a vacuum that was living, and a huge part of me now, was not my idea of 'dealing with the situation'.
A few more weeks past and Eddi's mother came up with him one weekend to just check on the house and see how things were going. This was the time we figure was best to tell his parents. Eddi told his mother alone, I figured it was best as she didn't know me very well and I wanted her to tell him her honest feelings about it. I never did hear the whole story on what she thought... But our next decision we thought of was adoption.
Eddi e-mailed some adoption agencies over the next few weeks and one weekend when he came up we met a lady at a coffee shop. Worst place EVER for a pregnant lady to be in. The smell of the beans was over bearing, the clangs of mugs and pots boiling were ratteling my brain. And on top of that, we were early and had to sit there for 15 minutes waiting for a lady that we were not even sure was there already or not. After some nerve wracking waiting, a lady walked in with a huge folder and we knew that was our lady. She sat down, offered us coffee which we both turned down, and went straight to business. The whole time I was upset. I didn't want to be in a place that was making me want to throw up, and the lady had no respect for me at all. She kept on telling me that I was too young, had no experience at all, and would never be able to handle this baby and the best thing to do was to give it away the second I bore it. I was so angry I couldn't even talk to her. After 5 minutes the whole thing was done. We took her card and left. I didn't talk to Eddi the whole way home. I still have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach every time we pass that coffee shop.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

And a mother was born.

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutly new.

~ Rajneesh

April 27th, 2008

I awoke after a long night shift at my job as a security operator around 11 am and raced to the bathroom. My legs buckled and I fell to the floor grasping the toilet, I was shaking and begun to dry heaved for about 20 minutes until finally some stomach bile came up. After leaning against the wall for a minute or two, loving the coolness of the heatvent at my side, I was able to stand up again. I figured I was just getting sick. I tend to always be sick around this time of year. Gather myself together with mouthwash and a bathrobe I had on the back of the door, I retired to the kitchen for brunch. My loving boyfriend, Eddi, was just getting home from school and found me on the couch in his basement with a bag of crackers and a washcloth on my head. With a little giggle he came over and asked me if I was alright. I playfully slapped his shoulder and told him I was not feeling well but that it would pass in a few days. Eddi made me some of his famous soup, I call it Eddi Soup. All it consists of is Liptons Chicken Noodle Soup with tiny pasta. We are fond of macaroni but have also made it with bowties or small homemade soup pastas.

After a few spoonfulls of soup I felt full. I packaged the rest for later before I had to head off to work and went back to laying on the couch. I had the tv on for noise but wasn't really watching anything. The basment of Eddi's house is wonderful. Wood fireplace, projection screen for movies, and built in bar with a pool table. Perfect for the bachelor that he was when I met him. And I admit, I love it too. I'd always been a fan of pool and since I grew up on a farm in my early childhood years, the fireplace was my comfort of home I had lost. At the moment, I was just laying on my back, arm over my eyes, head spinning, trying not to throw up. I felt so bad and was worried that I might have pneumonia. I had it once when I was little and was in the hospital for a month on IV, they thought I was going to die. But in the words of my Grandmother "I'll go when I'm good and ready and right now I'm d**n well not ready!"
A few weeks had passed and I still was not feeling tip top. Eddi had gone away to work for the summer so I was left alone in the house. I missed him horribly and he was worried I was not surviving without him. I am pretty tough by nature as I raised myself and my younger brother, but when Eddi's around, Im like a baby. I let him cook for me and take care of all my needs. I adore it. So while Eddi was away I lived on crackers, soup, ice cream, and pickles. I LOVE pickles. There is a little corner gas station by my work that sells huge german pickles in packages of pickle juice. They come one to a bag that opens likes cheese string does. They tasted amazing, but I only ate them for about 2 weeks until I saw a big fat trucker buy 5 and drink the juice on his way out the door. I almost threw up in the parking lot.
Eddi would come down every other weekend to see me and one weekend after he left we both were questioning this sickness I had. A few hours after he left he texted me and said "I think next weekend when I come down we should get a pregnancy test". We both were scared to see the results. Eddi bought one on his way to pick me up from work that Friday he came back to town. Saturday morning when we woke up I took it. I remember sitting on the toilet, shaking, waiting out the 3 minutes for the results. When the time was up and slowly the little + sign came into view the shaking got worse. My heart fluttered and I was so scared but a little smile crept on my face and I put a hand to my stomach thinking of the wonderful thing inside me. Now the hard part. To go back into the bedroom where Eddi was waiting for me and tell him that we were having a baby. I walked down the hall back to our room and lay on the bed beside him. Eddi rolled onto his side, swallowed, took a deep breath and said "So?" With the test held tightly in my hand I looked into his eyes and said "Youre a daddy." Eddi dropped onto his back and with a blank stare at the roof whispered "Sh*t."